10 Signs of a Cheating Husband

Breaking bad news to a lady whose husband has cheated on her must be done delicately, gently and softly. In these situations, a wife may feel like this could “never happen” to her, to her marriage and in her family. Anytime I’ve heard that phrase, unfortunately, that is exactly what happens. 

It can be devastating, even when you see the red flags, you see it coming, and worse, when it continues for years. Trust is lost, the foundation cracked and crumbling. The heartbreak feels like a knife in your chest. A wife believes that her husband would do the right thing and bring separation papers before an affair starts, before he starts dating other women. That isn’t always the case. And like the lyrics from Expose, “Seasons change … feelings change … people change,” again, this can happen with any type of relationship. The only thing that is constant is change, said Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher.

10 Signs Your Husband is Cheating

Keep in mind that the behaviors your spouse engages in every day is the baseline. It’s when the behaviors become “sudden” or “obsessive” to the level of “suddenly concerned with,” and the time spent increases, that, in this context, there is cause for concern. (Source: John Callicutt, Private Investigator, Walton Inc.)

1. Any man can be concerned about his appearance in a normal way, however, when it suddenly becomes more of an obsession, with hours involved in grooming, trimming, washing, toileting, shaving, etc., know that he is doing this for someone else. 
2. The husband knows that if he isn’t around for family functions during the holidays, that this will be a BIG red flag to the spouse. Instead, they meet with the affair partner a few days ahead of or after to avoid suspicion. 
3. He may buy new clothes that are dressy or new because his old clothes are starting to look worn. 
4. He will lose weight, have greater concerns with not eating as much, conscious of how his clothes fit, wanting to appear slim and fit. 
5. He may join a gym, and increase his time spent at the martial arts center in the afternoons on a workday. 
6. Going in earlier and earlier to work, and coming home later and later. Example: leaving at 5 am instead of 7:15 am and getting home after 8-9pm. 
7. Taking his phone with him wherever he goes, including the bathroom, possibly locking the bathroom door (when he didn’t used to do that). A spouse who is not cheating will leave it laying around because they have nothing to hide. 
8. Eye contact aversion. Red Flag behaviors look like: a blatant aversion by turning the head to the left or right, not looking you in the eye or staring right through you, keeping their head down, and in conjunction with the behaviors of #9. 
9. Turning the body away, walking away from and placing several feet of distance between the two of you, or placing an obstacle in between (a chair, countertop, their arms). You are looking for behaviors that indicate they are moving out of arm’s reach.
10.  When they stop wanting to spend time with you and treat you as an option. Not wanting to take you out on dates, out to dinner, reducing the time they spend with your family, walking several feet apart or ahead of you. In public, there is no love and affection. They no longer introduce you to others. Essentially not wanting to be seen with you – what if the affair partner catches the two of you? The other caveat is overcompensating, especially when your husband knows they are about to get caught. Look for excessive buying of gifts, extra attention when there was none before, going out for meals more frequently, helping around the house with chores when they didn’t. 

DO’s & DON’Ts:

1. Give him as much rope as possible to hang himself. Give him the freedom to go where he wants, for as long as he wants.
2. Give him the choice to spend time with you. If he consistently chooses the affair partner over you, this shows poor decisions. It also shows his intention to hurt you over and over. This isn’t a mistake.
3. Do not call him out on his cheating or try to follow him. This is for legal reasons; an objective 3rd party must witness and document this for it to be valid in court.
4. The KEY is to be extremely patient.
5. Do not question him or his whereabouts.

  Begin your new chapter early, that in spite of this difficult situation, you are determined to move on and live your best life, without your spouse. Be aware that more heartbreak occurs after the discovery of an affair. Besides seeing your Ex with the new person, it isn’t uncommon for the Ex and his family to spread vicious rumors and accusations of you that can sound like:

•  Deflection of blame: the cheating spouse blames the spouse for their actions. His family may say things like, “She was the toxic one,” or “She has mental problems,” or “she let go of herself.”
•  Character assassination: a smear campaign that discredits you, now that you figured them out. Your husband may say that you were cheating.
•  How you’re making ends meet: limit unnecessary communication. Rise above the petty gossip, especially if you are having trouble making ends meet. If you need to leave the house immediately or if he tries to lock you out of the house make sure you are prepared. Have 2-3 credit cards in your name, $1,000-$3000 cash in a safety deposit box, a burner phone with minutes and an emergency binder with all your important personal information. Flip a burger, dig a trench, clean other people’s houses, run their errands. Like Donna Summer’s song, “You work hard for the money.”

 According to the American Academy for Certified Financial Litigators, a woman will experience a 50% decrease in their standard of living after divorce, while a man’s standard of living drops to only 20%. Another study reported 1 in 5 women will experience poverty during separation, while the husband reports a 10-40% decrease in monetary difference of their earnings. A wife would be hard pressed to live on $1550. Remember, that other items can be negotiated if cash is not available – payments on a loan, office space, apartment rent, separate maintenance (vet bills, possibly). Keeping the marital home would require a buyout of the other spouse’s interest or a 30% increase in income for one spouse to keep the house. 

Conduct a financial investigation into your husband’s finances. Since they have been lying about cheating, they may also have not been honest about their finances, and how they are spending money. How much marital money was spent on the affair partner? Depleting an investment, savings or custodian account, and even finding hidden accounts with regular distributions to the affair partner has been found in infidelity cases. Essentially, they are taking the money and leaving you with nothing, and by transferring money to another person, it shows they have no money to give towards spousal support. It may also show:

1. Living beyond their means. Obtaining second mortgages, additional lines of credit, maxing out credit cards, driving vehicles well above their pay grade, buying expensive electronics, hiding purchases in their vehicle.
2. Hidden sources of income. Large deposits of cash into a bank account from an unknown source. (In NC, you cannot be prosecuted for money laundering, however a person can be charged under racketeering. {Source: nccriminallaw.com})
3. Hemorrhaging money. Increasing debts, high loan amounts, expensive house remodels, going on luxury trips or engaging in luxury entertainment. The KEY is less work and more spending.
4. Possible extortion. Was your husband caught doing something shady and now is being threatened to pay a sum of money?
5. Money transference to a third party to hide monetary assets. Placing funds in another family members name or account to show they have “no money,” or documentation to show that they are “filing for bankruptcy.”

TIPS on signing documents. Don’t assume your spouse will have your best interest in mind when signing the separation agreement. Be very careful about what you sign. Read through each contract, and as an extra layer of protection, have your lawyer check over the docs to ensure you aren’t being tricked into:

1. Signing a form that takes your legal rights away (this can look like a consent form),
2. Signing a document that takes your parental rights away,
3. Signing a quit claim form that takes away interest in a profit (from a business) or interest in real property.

 Begin again, but differently. 

Recovery from heartbreak begins with focusing on you. Begin being more independent, doing things without him. You are whole on your own. Go out for breakfast by yourself. Go to church – by yourself. Get dressed up – for yourself. Set a new goal - for yourself. Try a new restaurant – by yourself. Go to your favorite places – by yourself. Make a habit of this through the changing seasons. This is how you heal your heart. Replacing your spouse too soon with another relationship will not fill the void that your spouse left. To encourage the lady reading this: From Fleetwood Mac - “I’ve been ‘fraid of changin, ‘cause I built my life around you.” My heart hurts for you. With patience and time, you will recover. 

Pulling back emotionally, mentally detaching and disengaging helps by (as Kelly Clarkson would say,) “keeping your heart protected, you never ever feel rejected.” Over time, process this pain so as not to carry it with you to your next relationship. It’s going to feel very strange, as you had your best friend to do things with, share interests, plan for the future and explore the world together. You will begin to notice the losses from the relationship – love, spousal income, holiday get togethers, companionship, the future you planned together, the loss of the relationship you thought you had, etc. You’ve been replaced and your spouse didn’t respect you enough to break up with you first. Ouch!! Your heart may break over and over, and during the holidays it can look like a very dark winter and feel like you are wrapped in a blanket of snow. 

The decision to end a 30-year marriage is not one that comes easily or lightly. It’s also not the end of the world. Your work here is not done in vain. Have gratitude for what you have now. Celebrate your life, even if it didn’t work out as planned.

With prior planning, your fresh start without your spouse can be viewed as a catalyst for healing.

Disclaimer: The content in this article is provided for educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as legal advice on any matter. I am not a doctor, lawyer, scientist or psychologist. You agree and acknowledge the I am not providing health care, medical or nutritional therapy advice, or attempting to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any mental or emotional issue, disease or condition. Contact your attorney to obtain advice to legal advice. Only your attorney can determine if the information in this article is applicable to the laws in your state or appropriate given your case. 

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