“Reactive abuse is a battlefield response.”
Individuals who have a history of abusive relationships are the most susceptible to other types of abusive relationships, such as with their Grandma, a parent, a spouse, teacher or friend. Reactive abuse refers to a victim reacting to the same type of abuse experienced over a period of time, even a lifetime. It’s not unusual for victims to have PTSD from a relationship with a high conflict personality.
When a victim’s defense mechanisms are triggered by repeated attacks, a normal reaction occurs. This normal reaction is a violent or aggressive response. This is reactive abuse. A victim who becomes the aggressor is not an abuser, as they are using it to stop a dangerous situation. Pushing, punching, kicking, hair pulling, raging, angry outbursts or verbal attacks are in self-defense, likely surprising the victim with their out of character reaction. A victim’s brain senses danger, releases stress hormones and moves to protect itself by way of fawn, freeze, flight or fight.
Perpetrators of abuse have entrenched beliefs that are deeply rooted. The following are examples of reactive abuse and how it is used against a victim:
A. Fear Mongering: The installation of scare or fear tactics that incite panic or anxiety in a victim to keep them under the abuser’s control. The tactics are meant to instill fear in the victim; and with an underlying fear of abandonment/rejection in the abuser. An example is: “If you leave, I’ll find you and bring you back home,” or “if you leave, I will ______.” The threat of punishment keeps a victim from leaving.
B. Provoking an overreaction: The abuser intentionally and knowingly uses provocation; then when the victim finally asserts themselves, their overreaction is used against them. The smug or sneer look, coupled with a mocking tone says it all. This demonstration shows everyone how the victim is the toxic one. The victim is cut and bleeding. There is a name for this - deriving pleasure from intentionally causing extreme emotional pain - a sadist. The intentional act that causes another to experience such terrible anguish (PTSD or other diagnosed condition) is the intentional infliction of emotional distress.
C. Blaming and denial: Words and phrases are used by the abuser to put the victim in their place and as an attempt to engage the freeze response (inaction or cease speaking – even better). Such words can include: “crazy,” “pistol,” “challenging behavior,” or “something’s is wrong with… needs to be medicated and institutionalized.” It’s a catch-22 for the victim to respond, as their reaction will be out of shame and embarrassment. This is an attempt to provoke an overreaction and to regain control by the abuser.
D. Power and control: When an abuser is losing control of a victim, the abuser sees it as a malignancy that needs to be corrected and will use overt manipulative tactics – violence, threats, coercion to obtain compliance, and gaslighting to increase self-doubt. This point is not to be taken lightly as this is an example of coercive control.
Note the loophole: Some states will nullify paying spousal support if abuse can be documented by their partner. This is used to frame the victim, especially when the community and family are turned against them. It isn’t uncommon for a HCP to pay others to spread malicious rumors and for a friend who is also a HCP and dirty, to lie while under oath, in their favor. A community that sides with the abuser, then testifies on the abuser’s behalf causes great harm to victims, also causing them to bleed. Any of these 4 tenets can be used to prevent a request for a protective order.
In the Courtroom:
Some judges are exceptionally perceptive and are not swayed by a HCP’s bravissimo! performance, often mistaken for sincerity, under the guise of feigned sympathy. By failing to acknowledge the severity of narcissistic abuse, a victim is retraumatized. Courts, authorities and legal personnel cause harm when a victim’s cries for help fall on deaf ears. Repercussions of the injustices felt in court create a snowball effect, adversely affecting the family, children, and household expenses. It is important to note that the HCP will fudge numbers in their favor. Expect that there will be an economic claim that the victim is a liability, is running up debt, and was a cause or contributing factor to home foreclosure or business failure.
“Responding with reactive abuse will only make things worse. Be silent. Then thank them. Walk away. Know your triggers.”
Sources: The Mend Project, Cornell University, Psychcentral.com, Gray Group International
PC: Natash Ivancev
