When in a committed relationship with a long-term partner, it is important not to be easily swayed by negative and derogatory opinions of others. Not standing up for your significant other while they are bashed by gossip or slander of others is the same as being the slanderer yourself. Building a foundation with another person takes time, as trust is not freely given, it is earned. Sharing of yourselves and your life story cannot be done in a week, let alone a few months. Feeling safe with your partner is a must. If you don’t feel safe, you need to ask yourself why you don’t. What is your partner doing or saying, how are they acting that makes you feel that something is amiss? Getting to know each other at a comfortable pace takes time. Caution is necessary when you meet someone who claims love and soulmate status within a few days to a couple weeks and pressures you to get married. Don't wreck your marriage over a one-night stand with a woman who claims, "... we are soulmates". Again - another infidelity case that rocked a marriage.
The Sandy Foundation
It is not enough to begin a relationship on a shifty landscape of sand. The first time you meet and get together ought not to be when you are drunk, after a heartbreak or breakup. But, it happens. It is possible to begin again, with different expectations and relationship objectives. Having vastly different expectations and judgments that come to light can cause hurt, disappointment and eventual silent treatment and ghosting. However, this too can be a lesson, and with reflection and beginning again, but differently, it can turn into a mature relationship. Healthy communication can leave the door open for future opportunities.
The Gravel Pit
Just the same, some relationships may begin with a controlling, possessive or jealous partner, behavior disguised as loving, caring and concern for safety. Young people who do not have the years of experience or the wisdom to know the difference, need ask a knowledgeable person who can lead and guide them to the better choice. Even if it means waiting longer. Never settle for the one who wants you physically as what’s on the outside will change with time. As your body ages and ebbs and flows with time, illness or chronic pain, your landscape changes. A relationship built on a gravel road is the rocky relationship. It is difficult to know what comes next, you find yourself walking on eggshells, and feel the need to anticipate other’s needs while not getting yours met. Feeling like you need to “tone down” who you are or your independence is no way to live.
The Weathered Landscape
Relationships that stand the test of time typically have been through a few storms, high winds, lightning strikes, and the occasional man overboard rescue. If a relationship has not been built on safety, support and protection, then even a category 1 hurricane would rock the relationship. Stand in solidarity especially when things are going south, a mistake made that causes a lawsuit, lengthened probation or loss of credibility over a misunderstanding. That’s what marriage is – “in sickness and in health, in good times and bad.” The traditional words of marriage vows show us why some marriages last 14 years, even 40. Not saying that there is one particular way to begin a marriage, however, the odds of having it last through the trials and the experiences of life lessons is higher when the foundation has had layers or years of trust, honesty and integrity built in over time. It’s not enough to build your house on sand or gravel to start, and then when things go south, you have nothing to fall back on besides physical chemistry.
Beginning again, but differently, can happen in any relationship, at any time. There must be mutual respect and understanding on both sides, with not just negligible evidence of changed behavior, but substantial notice to all parties. Not just at home, at church or at work. Everywhere. It is possible to give people a second chance, however, it isn’t recommended in abusive, toxic relationships where physical, psychological or sexual abuse occurred.
The Third Party
In my experience as a rookie private investigator, my work often sees a marriage disintegrate when one of the spouses gets bored with the other, and begins another secret relationship with a third party who then drives a wedge between the parties. Likely, if you had an affair with a married man or woman and you knowingly broke up their marriage due to your affair, your relationship has a greater chance of also ending the same way. I’ve seen instances of the latter as well, and the affair partner just “shocked” that they were left for another. The lack of awareness or perhaps the naivety of the left partner shows their inability to place themselves in the shoes of another. Now in hindsight they think about the consequences.
As a side note: Never assume that if a person wears a wedding ring/band all the time or some of the time that they are married. Never assume they are single either. In North Carolina, birth, marriage and death records are public record. Check your state’s vital records in your county to verify. In a recent case, the “other woman” found out that the man she had been seeing for 3 years, was lying about his relationship status with his wife (saying they were separated) and the reason they couldn’t be together was for financial reasons. He didn’t tell the affair partner his wife’s last name. The player got played – a divorce from one end and the affair partner dumping him and moving on. Well deserved.
Marriage is a commitment that two people make to stand together despite the storms, and negative emotions and changing feelings from once supportive family and friends. Working through difficulties and challenges that both face in their work, their community and church is better done together. Two people facing a storm has better chances of survival than one facing it alone. The waves can get pretty choppy, the ship being violently tossed from side to side, until the storm lessens, and the storm clouds dissipate. In some cases, a storm comes to clear your path, in others, it shows who are your true friends. Standing together as a united front, as a team, cements the couple together, further bonding the emotional and physical connection. Weathered from the storm, the couple may be battered and exhausted, however, even a wrecking ball can bring a couple closer together. It’s all in perspective, awareness of the bigger picture and commitment to stay even through conflict and difficulty.
Background Checks on Spouses or Spouses-To-Be
Prior to making a commitment, some parents of soon to be brides and grooms (as seen in the movie, Meet the Parents) will sometimes hire private investigators to follow, research or background check a potential mate. Parents and in-laws have a sixth sense about things, a strange feeling, unwarranted distrust, or just picking up on things that may not seem congruent, not quite right or off. These checks can occur shortly before or after an engagement, and even during a couple’s marriage. Once in a while their allegations or suspicions are correct, particularly in cultures where there are strong family and ancestral expectations.
Dating
The same can be said for online dating. Most of these sites do not do a criminal background checks when people are signing up for a profile. Are you ok with not knowing that your date was recently convicted of assault with a deadly weapon? Or maybe something less of a “big deal,” such as stealing the identity of coworkers to obtain a loan, sacking the person with debt and taking the deed. This was the result in a case resulting from elder financial abuse.
Background Checks
Online dating or speed dating apps can be a target for people who have a fear of rejection. Some feel safer and freer to be vulnerable to a potential dating partner. This can open them up to being scammed, defrauded and a target for romance scams. It is important for people who are dating to go slow and when they want to get serious with their partner, consider paying for a background check. Your person does not know it was done, there is no way they would know it is occurring, unless you tell them. The cost runs at or about $40 and up, depending on how many years back you want to investigate. It will show you basic information such as their residential histories, phone numbers, age, birthdate, civil and criminal background checks. Depending on the service, social media checks may be included.
You do want to know that the person you are dating is the person they say they are, not a scammer who is looking to open a shell (fake) company to launder profits through while taking your good name and using it to further a crime. This is a case that did happen.
Future Generations
Relationships are developed over time, trust is earned and getting to know one another are aspects that should be enjoyed, not rushed or taken for granted. It is these early times that will make for a good story later on to friends and family, maybe even your kids and grandkids. Future generations will likely model or imitate your behavior, good, bad or otherwise. Kids need to see healthy ways of dealing with strong emotions, injustices, delays and obstacles as all these will come in their lifetime. It is especially of great import while working through adversity, a financial hardship or pandemic, a death in the family, an unexpected accident that takes a parents life, the diagnosis of a terminal illness or a setback that delays plans.
How we handle challenges and tremendously difficult and emotionally taxing circumstances may show others our grit and perseverance, but it inspires those going through similar situations. It manifests as the strength to be more open and vulnerable, being confident and comfortable with yourself, especially when there is a lack of support and especially when unwarranted judgment is dished out like hot apple pie. Being a stable influence with challenging people and situations, is knowing when and how to turn the tables on high conflict personalities, yet still being respectful, with the expectation that there will be compliance. The method in which is used, depends on the severity of the challenging behavior as to how dominance can be employed to achieve control of the situation.
PC: Oleg_o
