According to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, there are four pillars of abuse that coexist in domestic violent relationships. A new relationship may immediately begin with some of these signs, however if a victim is used to being abused in a relationship, these signs may feel normal due to having experienced these relationships from their childhood.
Entitlement and Objectification
This pillar has a heavy emphasis on assigning gender roles for particular tasks and duties to one particular gender. For example, the role of the woman is that they stay at home, don’t work, take care of the house, kids, errands and pets. The man is the breadwinner and brings home the paycheck to take care of the bills and expenditures for the family. This is great if everyone is on board. If left unchecked, the roles can evolve into an “I deserve” mindset in which one partner expresses needs that place women in the role of an object and not seen as a teammate or partner. Societal, familial and religious phrases, such as, “The men in the family don’t tolerate women who are independent and speak their mind.” If that behavior continues, neglect, silent treatment or hostile behavior (slamming doors, breaking or throwing objects), guilt, shame (“after all I do for you and the kids”) or physical abuse (“I will beat that out of you”) may occur to get the woman “back in line.”
Control, Manipulation, Lies and Secrecy
Behaviors that fall into this category usually stem from the “I’m a nice guy or good guy” persona. Manipulative behaviors are implemented to achieve a goal or outcome in the guys favor. Guys that are secure, confident and have a healthy level of self-esteem do not need to stoop to these behaviors. In fact, these guys are celebrating when their lady receives a promotion, throwing a party and getting her friends together for a surprise lady’s night out. In secure relationships, there is no need for lying or keeping secrets. Communication is healthy and there is very little if any unhealthy jealous or envious behaviors that result in vengeance or hatred. However, insecure guys may feel inferior and incidentally sabotage the relationship by attempting to control aspects of their lady’s life, work, friends and outside interests. When dishonesty (“she is incompetent to do more than a minimum wage job), deceit (“women like her …”) and behind the scenes behavior (attempts to sabotage promotions and awards or fabricate allegations) is revealed, the mask comes off and we find an ugly heart swimming in a pool of betrayal and calculated behaviors.
Compulsive Behaviors
A lack of self-control, self-awareness and complete disregard for the rights and feelings of others is often seen in this pillar. Much of the behavior stems from ignoring relational and personal boundaries designed to protect a person from acts that are dishonorable, disrespectful and lacking integrity. One may find sexual acting out that is most unsatisfying, embarrassing and shameful towards the woman. A lack of consent and consideration for what the wife desires, likes and needs are disregarded as unimportant, “stupid” or of no consequence, as they are here to “serve their husband.”. Individuals who have compulsive behaviors may become triggered by a partner’s lack of response or elevated response (to a perceived slight or feeling invisible). Getting angry, stating that a break is needed and a person will come back after they’ve cooled off is better response when anger is on the verge of getting out of hand versus drinking excessively when angry and attempting to have a discussion about something that is upsetting. Abusive and aggressive behaviors increase substantially with drinking and excess cortisol stemming from the anger.
Lack of Accountability
In most unfortunate consequences, when a death or significant harm has been caused by a perpetrator, it isn’t uncommon to find a series of rationalizations that explain away or attempt to minimize their behavior. “Well, they had it coming. He just kept pushing me and I lost my lid.” “If it wasn’t for me breaking her hand, they would’ve pulled the trigger on the gun and shot me. I could’ve died or been seriously injured.” “I really didn’t hit her that hard. All that blood is just from a superficial wound, just a tiny scratch.” The tell-tale sign of an abuser is trying to convince authorities that the victim is the problem, is crazy and abusive. Engaging in irresponsible and reckless behavior, they are devoid of guilt and empathy, having a callous disregard for the harm they cause. Blaming others often is the norm and are how problems are solved. Rarely, does a psychopath learn from their mistakes or benefit from negative feedback. (Source: Mask of Sanity)
Judges, law enforcement and the legal community who are in charge of enforcing restitution may find that in lieu of making alimony, damage or other payments for a charge or conviction, an abuser can negotiate their debt with any of the following: office space payments, the purchase of a newer vehicle, payment for outstanding debts and material replacement (furniture, lighting, car maintenance bills). Likely, the abuser will claim they have no money, are tapped out and overextended. Pulling a credit report (not the credit header) will reveal a substantial portion of the financial landscape that will confirm or deny their claims. Delving into bank accounts may show hidden accounts, wire transfers and offshore accounts not otherwise obvious. A swift plan B that has immediate and severe consequences will need to be implemented if the negotiated restitution is not met.
PC: Daniejelala
