Teaching and Training the Narcissist

Dr. Craig Malkin, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School wrote, Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad – and Surprising Good – About Feeling Special. What we know about narcissists may be incorrect, possibly misguided, yet there is hope for rehabilitation according to Dr. Malkin. It is normal and healthy to have some narcissistic traits, otherwise we’d have no self-confidence to succeed in our personal and professional relationships. On the other end of the spectrum, is malignant narcissism.

A study in the Journal of Psychological Science indicates that America is a nation of narcissists.  What are these malignant traits?

• Entitlement (ex. deserving of degrees without commensurate experience)
• Exploiting and emotionally blackmailing (ex. if you don’t do or act as I tell you, I will withhold….)
• Pathological envy and jealousy (ex. you can only be friends with me, and no one else)
• Narcissist’s rage (how dare you hold me accountable for my behavior)
• Vindictiveness (often in isolation to target or others)
• Arrogance (the only person that’s wrong is you)
• Gaslighting (distorting their target’s reality, intentionally deceiving)

Healthy individuals do not succumb to manipulation, so they create confusion via triangulation (using three people to create discord, distrust and disillusion) and gaslighting (distorting reality). Extreme narcissistic personality disorder is lethal and professional help will be required. It is akin to an addiction, a “drug” that has taken over their lives.  

Relentlessly pursuing change comes from within by producing a significant and radical about face in self-awareness and introspection. For narcissists, they desire to feel special, in intelligence, beauty, and accomplishments. They may have a neurotic fear of not being liked, not being the center of attention, and to a narcissist this is like DEATH. “This fear makes come true that which one is afraid of,” a quote from Dr. Viktor Frankl, psychiatrist and survivor of a Nazi concentration camp. Self-destruction ensues as their mask of perfection slips, and we see their true colors.

Malkin suggests: Reeducate your workforce: Psychologists use the following as “empathy” prompts:

• Teach people compassion and patience.
• To achieve goals, we need to be reminded of the importance of our relationships. There are benefits to collaborating and understanding. Ex. “You matter so much to me,” or “You are important to me,” gives reassurance moving the focus from disconnection in relationships to “WE.”

Rehabilitate: Encourage narcissists to feel more expressive emotions, like caring and kindness.

• Approach them in a gentle manner, soften your heart and attitude towards them. When people recognize authenticity, they too become more loving and committed in return.

How will you know when your empathy prompts have succeeded? The narcissist responds with:
 

• Affirmations, “You are my friend too.” 
• Clarifying, “How long have you been feeling ….?” 
• Apologizing: “I’m sorry I made you feel like….”

In my experience, the best apology is a change in behavior, in relating and communication. Showing signs of consistently moving forward, despite mistakes indicates, as Earl Nightingale quotes, “Success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal or ideal.”

When your narcissist is a boss or coworker, empathy prompts might be too personal to start. Initially, try the following tips:

• Use the word WE, OUR and US to emphasize relationships in communications.
• Catch them behaving well and compliment their warmth, integrity, interest in others, collaboration – character traits.
• Contrast good and bad behavior if the complimenting is helping – noting bad behavior is effective when paired with communal behavior.

If these previous results are still producing success, then move to the empathy prompts. A technique is to share a rehabilitative exercise to reeducate. Ex. I feel unhappy when you criticize me in front of others and would prefer if you could save your feedback for 1:1 meetings?

We all like to feel special and like to be praised now and then. Healthy desires to feel special do not entail performing in a way that showcases a sense of perfection, as that often earns you envy and arrogance. Have the self-confidence to laugh at yourself when you trip over a chair. We want to see your warts. Be authentic. Be genuine. Be you.