There is a statistic that 90% of college educated women will initiate divorce when their efforts to repair their marriage fall on deaf ears. (Source: ejj-law.com)
What are the complaints? No getting enough affection, love, not feeling valued or respected in a marriage. They will both do something to change. The other husbands who don’t do anything and continue on the same way end up making the wife feel hopeless, and not heard. She’s communicated her needs, he’s not responding to them, and now he’s ignoring and neglecting her. He spends more time at work, with friends or away from her. The wife, after months or years of this begins to feel hopeless and depressed in the marriage despite her attempts to work on herself, the marriage, creating opportunities for outings, dates or starting traditions and the partner still doesn’t respond.
This is a good time to point out that some people just aren’t good at relationships. Halsey’s song, “Bad at Love,” couldn’t be more appropriate. Knowing what your attachment style is, if you are anxious, avoidant and secure will go a long way in understanding yourself in relationships and the areas you need to work through to heal. Of those three, any one of those combinations may or may not work, causing problems in the marriage. You can’t go wrong with two secure attachments styles though. Adding in medical illnesses, chronic pain and other lifestyle factors can cause tension and stress unless dealt with by both parties to come to a working solution. If you know you aren’t good at expressing your feelings, what if you took your time writing several out an leaving notes all around the house? Are there bad habits that you could be working on now to reduce or eliminate? Things you can do today that would help your partner out – such as cleaning up after yourself, making dinner or bringing it home? Can you take a few minutes before changing out of your workout clothes to put in a load of laundry or wipe the counters?
In college, they don’t teach how to work on a marriage, to communicate respectfully, to fight fairly, to approach finances, decide on projects together, the existence or lack of traditional gender roles in the household (I cringe in writing, “women’s work”), and how to relate to each other with the five love languages, according to Gary Chapmen.
The way you were raised may or may not be healthy. Until you know and understand your thinking and behaving patterns it will be difficult to ensure you aren’t making the same mistakes over and over again, leading to disappointment and hurt in all your relationships. For example, after being married for 3-4 years, a man gets bored and instead of working with his wife on the marriage decides to date and within a few weeks begins dating. A couple years later, while still married he proposes and she accepts. Let’s call her Nicole. Nicole begins planning their wedding. Soon after, the wife and Nicole meet unexpectedly in public and begin sharing a little about their lives. It is after the wife introduces herself that Nicole finds out that her fiancé is still married. Both women are devastated to now know of each other. This is the guy’s pattern. That’s why he’s been married so many times, with the story of “we are separated, I can’t see you as often as I’d like due to work, and my marriage of 10 years ended because my wife cheated on me." (Do you see the reversal here?)
It doesn’t take much for a husband – or wife – to change 2-3 things and consistently work to maintain that change for the better. The caveat is that either spouse has to want to do it, want to make it better and out of their own free will versus being threatened or forced to make the change. Foo Fighters song lyrics, “It’s time like these we learn to love again,” can be the wakeup call that the partnership needs when both partners still love each other and both want to work on the relationship together.
In some instances, a spouse can have a change of heart. In not all, but some relationships, this realization may come too late, and when the divorce paper is signed, what is left is the bitter regret of poor choices that caused intentional harm, driving a spouse to leave or worse, to make a decision to end their life.
Women communicate what their needs are, but men are ignoring them according to the above mentioned study. Maybe there needs to be a class on marriage, just as there is a class on basic skills like sewing, shop class and cooking. To the person reading this right now, do you have a relationship that is fulfilling to you? Does it give you most of what you need and did it start out that way?
When single and married couples would ask my advice on marriage topics, I would share my sandwich story: There are many types of romantic relationships, some are more short term than others, nonetheless, they can best be compared to types of sandwiches. To start there is the plain hamburger, bun and meat, nothing else. It gives the impression that “I’m not putting any effort into this,” or something to that effect.
Next is the cheeseburger with ketchup and mustard. Big deal. So, there is a little romance and it might last a week or two. Maybe that’s all you ever want. For some that’s not enough, for others it’s cool.
Then, there is the BIG BURGER with lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, mayo, ketchup, and mustard on a sesame seed bun slathered with butter, grease and dripping with oil. What are we seeing here? It’s still a burger. The fried patty is grilled or pan fried in oil and served on a white bun. Just the same, relationships that don’t have healthy ways of communicating, relating, socializing, eating, exercising, or to put in a different perspective – that are isolating, controlling, abusive, filled with jealousy, envy or possessiveness - can be toxic to your health.
You have to decide what you want, what you are willing to consider, do without or tolerate and – wait, did I just say tolerate? Do you have a list of things you want in a relationship, complete with dealbreakers so you know to communicate what it is you desire and need? Have you set boundaries with your partner to let them know what you will and won’t tolerate? If your partner gives you the silent treatment or ghosts you frequently, are you good with that? Best to nip that in the bud on the start, then decide that if the behavior continues, that other measures need to be implemented or taken away. If you aren’t comfortable with setting boundaries, practice the art of verbal akido, asserting yourself in an attempt to express your needs and feelings without being rude to others. As you become more assertive, you will find yourself sticking up for yourself more often, until it becomes frequent. Boundaries at that point may feel like the natural next step.
Let’s take a look at the next type of sandwich. This one is a bit different. Take a hearty whole grain or seeded bread, with any number of toppings and spreads such as cucumber, yogurt spread, herbs, capers, lemon juice and sprouts, deli meats, beans, smoke salmon, baked fish, chicken or layers of roast beast, protein spreads, a portobella mushroom or ciabatta, hummus or mashed avocado with layers of brightly colored chickpea salad, dill, garlic, roasted red peppers, Kalamata olives – you get my point. When we choose to get into a relationship with someone, we already know what we are looking for, what we want. We might make a list of must haves, dealbreakers, would like to’s, would be ok not to’s, etc. The thing is, we can’t turn a hamburger into a vegan burger after one night. Building the perfect sandwich with someone takes time. Each condiment and topping is portioned out into trust, reliability, integrity, core values, shared interests, compatibility in social circles, respecting each other’s need for space and distance, with a coming back together to share each other’s day. Relationships are so complex and are built around what you want, need and desire. And no, a partner cannot fulfill all your desires, which is why it is important to have close friends or family as a support.
It is heartbreaking for a vegan sandwich to find out she married a cheeseburger. It’s the worst way to learn a life lesson. It is so important to discuss wants, needs, desires, values, children, etc., as a relationship grows. Sometimes our greatest ministry comes from our greatest pain. And although we may go radio silent in order to come to terms with the devastating impact this information has on our lives, it can be a catalyst for exponential growth and healing.
PC: Oleg Kov
